By Roger K. Allen
We’ve all heard there are only two things we can count on for certain: death and taxes. But anyone who has ever lost a job, suffered from a personal challenge, or kept an eye on the stock market of late can tell you there’s a third certainty that can be added to that list: setbacks. Setbacks, quite frankly, happen – and they happen to everyone.
For real estate professionals in particular, setbacks in today’s economy are all too common. Between foreclosures, decreased home and property values, and consumers hesitant to spend until the economy improves, it’s a tough market. That’s the bad news. But here’s the good news: no matter how tough the market is, there’s something even tougher: you.
If this wild ride of late has left you feeling uncentred, ungrounded, or worried, take heart: by following a simple set of guidelines, you can learn how to cope when life throws you for a loop.
Let’s begin this journey by taking a look at the types of setbacks you may experience. Some setbacks are temporary, relatively minor, and handled quickly (a closing that needs to be delayed, getting stuck in traffic on your way to a showing, having to manage a potential buyer’s indecision). Other setbacks are major (a deal that falls through at the last minute, finding out that the “dream home” you’ve listed is structurally unsound and is more like a “nightmare home,” being fired by a client, or working hard to find the right home for a client only to discover that the clients decided to buy the home from another agent).
Minor setbacks can be annoying, but the major setbacks can knock us off balance, diminish our happiness and well-being, and often weaken our confidence in ourselves.
The question is how we recover. Although not easy, people can recover from setbacks, and not only as a function of the passage of time. Those who do so grow in confidence and the knowledge that they can influence life and control their own destinies. Those who do not recover, gradually lose confidence in themselves as they give up control of their lives to external influences.
So how do you recover?
The key to recovering from setbacks is managing our emotions and then moving forward by making positive choices. The following five steps will help you do this:
1. Face it. Step towards the issue, rather than away from it. Look it squarely in the face and see it as it is. Tell the truth about it rather than distracting yourself from it. If you find yourself facing a problem with a client, or another agent, remember that avoiding that problem won’t make it go away. All too often, we are tempted to take the “ostrich approach” – burying our heads in the sand when faced with challenges. The first step in managing our response and ability to handle challenges is to find the strength and courage to face – and acknowledge – the challenge or setback.
2. Feel it. Setbacks can be painful and often require that we go through a process of grieving. To grieve means to be honest about our inner experience and be willing to explore and feel it. It can be extremely painful to accept a major setback. For instance, if you find yourself having lost a sale to another agent, you may feel betrayed, hurt, envious, or angry – and that’s normal. Give yourself permission to feel your hurt, disappointment, fear, shame and anger, and you’ll be surprised by how quickly your negative feelings begin to dissipate and lose their intensity. Writing down your feelings or talking to someone you trust can help. It’s only natural to feel angry, betrayed, or bewildered if you thought you had made a big sale, only to have the deal suddenly fall through. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Trying to deny, avoid, or take your feelings out on someone else only causes more problems and compounds the impact of the initial setback.
3. Reframe it. This means to view the setback in a different way. Say, for instance, you have a client interested in buying a home, and after searching for several months, you finally find a home you think they’ll love. When you call to let your client know and offer to show the home, you’re told that the client has decided to work with someone else.
Most likely, you’ll feel sad – possibly even angry – but you have one of two options: you can be bitter, bemoan your fate with cries of how unfair life is, and devote lots of your time and energy to complaining; or, you can choose to adjust your point of view so that you won’t need to be bitter, complain, or waste your precious time and energy. You have a choice about how you think about the situation – and that will determine how you feel about the situation. Take some time and write a number of alternative ways of thinking about your reality. Keep writing and exploring different options until you come up with some that you can honestly believe and feel good about.
Then notice how your feelings change. Though it may not seem that way when it happens, not making that sale may be a positive thing, in that it may have saved you the trouble of having to deal with a difficult client. In addition, losing that one client may free up enough of your time to take on a new client. Whatever setback you experienced may well be an opportunity in disguise.
4. Accept it. Acceptance is allowing reality to be what it is. We accept it by saying something like: “It is okay” or “I allow this to be part of my life.” This does not mean we like it. And it may not mean we feel it at the moment. But such a conscious declaration of intent works inside of us to accept and stop struggling against the reality.
Acceptance is a healthy respect for what is and recognition that at any given moment reality is “bigger” than our ego, will, or power to control. If you find yourself ungrounded by the gloomy economic news, try thinking of it this way: only through challenges are we able to really appreciate success. Life has a way of throwing us for a curve, but only through experiencing the bad are we able to fully appreciate the good. We can either make a decision to accept the reality for what it is, or be swallowed up by it.
5. Act on it. Many realities exist outside our ability to control or influence. Some, however, can be altered if we are willing to confront and change them. Either way, there are always actions we can take that will allow us to reclaim our power and authority and direct our energies in ways that make a difference. Although all of our actions won’t always result in a complete remedy of some of the realities of our lives, they will at least result in an internal sense of personal integrity and confidence. If you’re feeling worried or anxious about the future, don’t allow it to shut you down. Look for the opportunity, chart a course of action to reach your goals, and then take action to reach those goals. Your goal may be simple (such as, not to worry about what you can’t control) or more complicated (reaching a large sales pinnacle) but regardless of what the goal is, take steps to reach it.
If you find yourself experiencing a business slow-down, take some time to think about other ways to occupy yourself during the slow time. Have you considered learning a new skill, taking up a new hobby, getting involved in the community by volunteering, or joining a club or organization? This is the time to act. Taking action leads to results; not taking action only leads to feelings of hopelessness – and helplessness.
It takes honesty, courage, responsibility, and persistence to step up to our setbacks. It requires a willingness to let go of the payoffs we get out of blame and wallowing. But it’s worth it as we recapture confidence in our ability to handle whatever life throws at us, and realize that what’s inside us is bigger than what’s outside.
You may be surprised at just how tough you really are.
Roger K. Allen, Ph.D. – author, consultant, coach, teacher – is an expert on human and organizational development. He has created programs and methodologies on personal transformation, leadership, teams, communication, and organizational effectiveness, and has trained more than 600 coaches and consultants around the world to use his methods. www.abouthdi.com; email roger@abouthdi.com.
