Over the years, I think I’ve had two columns here exploring random thoughts, things that just scamper around upstairs in my head, only to wake me up late at night to wonder if other people think these sorts of things as well.
Likely not, but here’s a few more for you all to ponder:
1. I accidentally bought a left-handed door. Can I ask Mike Holmes to Make It Right?
2. If there are such things as flying fish, are there any sorts of swimming birds?
3. Awesome! Just received my monthly Air Miles statement. I now have enough reward miles to fly to Winnipeg! Hey, wait just a minute…I live in Winnipeg.
4. Fell asleep last night counting sheep, which is odd really. I’m a cattle baron.
5. Butt Seam!! Hee hee…it’s not what you think – it’s a carpet-laying term! Well, go ahead and Google it if you don’t believe me (not responsible for search results brought forward Googling any phrase including the word “butt”).
6. My favourite Sound of Music movie song has to be that one where they sing, “Goodbye, so long, oh wiener dog, goodnight.” Man, they really loved that wiener dog!
7. I don’t seem to have enough “eye of the tiger” lately. I barely got eye of the potato.
8. This guy calls himself a mortgage broker? He won’t even consider my application offering 25 per cent down in sweat equity? To be fair, it is kinda smelly.
9. My ad campaign on pay phone booths doesn’t seem to be gaining any traction.
10. What kind of lacklustre veterinarian won’t even agree to look at my earless chocolate Easter bunny?
11. As a former movie extra, I think that I really stepped up my commitment recently when I joined other more famous actors in gaining 25 pounds for a role. Ring my doorbell, see me in Couch Potato!
12. My podiatrist stole my marketing technique. He’s offering “feet-ure” sheets for his various procedures!
13. Well, don’t that beat all! Just saw a bald eagle trying to buy Rogaine.
14. “Ants in your pants” would be a pretty happy predicament for a limber anteater, I suspect.
15. “Yes, I am aware of your reputation as a surgeon, but I’d still like to get a second opinion, Dr. Careless.”
16. I’m not sayin’ it’s a tough market to get new listings, but I just saw Wile E. Coyote painting an entry door on the side of a stone wall, along with an Open House ad.
17. I’m a pretty easy-going fella, but one thing’s for sure – there had damned well better be Netflix in Heaven.
18. I’m just going to split the difference here. Diff erence.
19. “Ask and you shall receive”? Just guessing, but if you happen to be wearing a balaclava or ski mask when you ask, you’re likely to receive so much quicker.
20. I am officially a hacker! Hopefully some lozenges will clear that up.
21. If a chicken tweets, does anyone really give a cluck?
22. You sure don’t see many alligator-filled moats around suburban neighbourhood homes anymore.
Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at danstyves.com.
