Spring has sprung and some real estate salespeople seem to have love on the brain when it comes to their listings – and the resulting listing bloopers. I keep running across properties with “hug decks.” (Forget hot tubs; I’d pay extra for that feature.)
Ingrid McNeill of Coldwell Banker Ronan Realty in Alliston, Ont., reports one that made me spit out my morning coffee: “Has a really big d*ck for entertaining.” I suppose that could be a huge selling feature, but you’d think the sellers might want to take it with them.
Speaking of huge, Michelle Zacharias, an office manager with Realty Executives Leading in Spruce Grove, Alta., recalls a description in a listing that read: “Huge woman’s dream kitchen with granite tops.” Talking about targeting your buyers! Although I’d like to think that even small women, like me, would appreciate a good kitchen.
I saw this awkwardly worded listing recently: “Large bedroom in unit washer and dryer.” Those must be big, commercial sized units; I have a hard enough time getting a duvet in mine.
Speaking of appliances, regular contributor Barb Jacobsen of Century 21 Leading Edge in Markham, Ont. stumbled across a listing that mentioned the home came with a “stuckable” washer and dryer. Which makes me think of giant strips of Velcro… I guess those appliances are staying.
Now, I’ve heard of leasing parking spaces but I have to say, the idea of renting out your bathrooms is a new one: “Nice 3 bedroom bungalow with rear master bedroom plus ensuite addition, two bathrooms currently leased at $1,600.” At least they come with built-in seating.
Then there was this one: “Plower level could be converted easily to another bedroom.” Ground-breaking idea.
Mystery author Sue Pike sent along one that made her laugh: “The backyard boasts fig, cherry and plumb trees.” That sounds like a home a tradesman would love!
Although when it comes to trades, I’m not sure you’d want to use the roofing company who worked on this property, in a listing passed along by Gary Crews of Hanna Real Estate in New Westminster, B.C.: “Roof replaced in 2013 with a 30 year old roof.” Yikes.
In a similar vein, I came across one in Ottawa that stated, “Furnace`14, some windows and partial roof.” Personally, I’d prefer a house that comes with all its windows and a complete roof, I think, although I do like the open concept.
Sometimes it’s a missing letter that changes the intent of what’s being sold in a way that makes me laugh out loud. Like this unintentional gem: “Movie Theatre, Beach, Sopping.” (I keep wanting to add the word “Wet.”).
Barb Jacobsen also found a listing for a home that had “fresh pain” everywhere. Oh, the angst-ridden house. I wonder if that’s considered a stigma property?
I have a kind of dyslexia so I feel for the Realtor who required that all viewings be by appointments because there is “a god that has to be let outside”. I sure hope that is supposed to mean “dog.” If not, someone should call Neil Gaiman. (Although if it was a real god, you’d think it could let itself out whenever it needed to go.) Thanks to “Regina Realtor” for posting that one in comments to my last column.
Sometimes it’s awkward wording that makes me laugh, like this Ottawa listing that said: “Schools, shops, restaurants are walking close.” I keep thinking of one of those Stephen King movies where the buildings are alive. Sounds like these ones brush right up against you.
Although when it comes to living, breathing properties, Jeanne Griezic of Coldwell Banker Rhodes may have found the best example: a listing for a house with an “efficient heart pump.” And here, I thought the heart of the house was the kitchen. Silly me. Although, smart technology is big in kitchens these days, according to this Ottawa listing with a “neural” kitchen.
Finally, “Rick,” who also commented on one of my columns, passed along a listing that said you should bring your “fuzziest clients.” I’d be worried they might stick to that washer and dryer.
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
