Every now and then, a sales rep will try to be eloquent and end up channeling Yoda. Here are a few listing bloopers that had me smiling: “Spacious & bright the open lobby.” “Comfortably spaced is the foyer.” “Open & spacious the great room.”
May the force be with you.
There are some things I don’t usually expect to see described as inclusions in a listing, such as walls, ceilings and floors. We usually take those fixtures for granted. But this sales rep wanted to be specific: “Porcelain floor & four quality appliances included.” Thank God. If that porcelain floor wasn’t there, there’s no telling what might have happened to those nice appliances.
Here’s an example of a recent listing where the entire kitchen and a bathroom seem to have disappeared: “Updated kitchen and bathroom which has been replaced with ceramic tiles.” I love ceramic tiles and how easy they are to clean, but given a choice, I think I’d really rather use a toilet.
Ottawa broker of record Gord McCormick of Oasis Realty stumbled across a listing that described a kitchen with “put-out drawers.” I’m not sure I’d want to be dealing with drawers that were always irritable.
Sometimes awkward wording can leave you wondering if you’re in the same era as the sales rep who prepared the listing. “The comfortably spaced laundry has quality washing & drying machines.” Drying machines? I am reminded of the Wright Brothers and their newfangled “flying machines.” And I’m not that old. Okay, I am. Just not that old.
But as we all know, even modern technology has issues, as reflected in this Ottawa listing: “Virtual car sharing problem located on premises.” I guess that’s better than having virtual car problems on the road.
If you drive a real car, according to this listing sent in by Barbara Jacobsen of Re/Max All-Stars in Keswick, Ont., at least you don’t have to worry about getting stuck on the mainland: “You can get to the island via a fairy.”
Denise MacDonell of Red Door Realty in Halifax, once saw a listing where the condo fees included “uncommon area maintenance.” She wondered what those might be. So do I.
But when it comes to uncommon areas, I stumbled across a particularly athletic description of a garden in a listing the other day: “Even with the back addition there is backyard space for a running perennial garden.” Now, I’ve heard of people wanting to dig up a few plants before they move but this sounds like they really might have to tackle the garden. Definitely not a home for the lazy gardener.
Runaway plants aside, even the most avid green thumb might find the next listing a little challenging. Davida Girard, company co-ordinator with Re/Max Jazz in Oshawa found out to her horror that one of her admin staff had entered a listing on MLS that included the backyard “shit” instead of the backyard shed. Making matters worse, the salesperson remarks referred to a friendly dog on the premises. Friendly but poopy.
I sometimes think mistakes like that are Freudian slips. Stephen Burke of Sutton – West Coast Realty in Vancouver discovered that his very first board-loaded listing extolled the gorgeous views of the “lovely snow-crapped mountain.” I’m guessing there was someone at the board who’d had quite enough of the long winter.
As we’ve likely all discovered at one time or another in this business, a single wrong letter can entirely change the meaning of a listing. Spruce Grove, Alta.’s Lorraine Northcott of Realty Executives Leading saw one that referred to “heating ducks in the basement.” That caused her to wonder, when she finally stopped chuckling, if the basement had water issues. I think I’d be more worried about quacks in the foundation. Ba da boom.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I’ve seen references to “unspoiled” homes but I’m not sure I even want to know what the sales rep meant who depicted the house in his listing as “unmolested.” It gives a whole new (and possibly criminal) meaning to a property that “awaits your personal touch.”
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
