While I have met the second-generation Hints From Heloise in person, I have never had an encounter with famed newspaper columnist Dear Abby or those who now write in her place. Wouldn’t it be great if newspapers had a version of these famed columnists to specifically answer real estate questions?

As long they provided practical advice, I suppose. Like this:

 

Dear Abbner,

I have recently put an offer on a simple home in my village, but I worry. The owner tried to dissuade me from being concerned about a fiddler on the roof. What would you advise?

Non-Musical Purchaser

 

Dear Non,

Well, first off, I think you should be happy that what you witnessed was just a fiddler, and not the cast of Riverdance’s Feets Of Flame. That would be a real significant cause for concern.

You do bring up a good point though – is the fiddler causing damage to the roof, and is he by any chance included as a fixture or chattel? My gut tells me that he is unlikely to remain on the roof forever, but to be on the safe side, write his removal from the roof by possession day into your offer. Additionally, make sure your property inspector is well-versed in roof conditions and can check during sunrise, sunset or anytime between.

 

Dear Abbner,

I’m in the market for a new bat cave and am worried about underground water problems. My work utilizes large amounts of high-tech, sensitive electronic equipment and I need to know the previous cave owner hasn’t just painted over problems they may have had in the past.

Batty In Brampton

 

Dear Batty,

Well, it is true that some unscrupulous homeowners conceal issues with respect to the condition of their homes. Some simple due diligence will guarantee that your new home will be water-free and ready to house your new… umm, home theatre system?

Do you have access to a divining rod, or other similar dowsing device? If not, maybe an infrared camera? Again, a home inspector might provide you with your best shot at not purchasing a lemon, or in the case of excessive moisture, lemonade.

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Dear Abbner,

I really love Downton Abbey. What are your thoughts on this show?

Aristocrat In Athabasca

 

Dear Aristocrat,

I’m not sure if you have a real estate question in there. Personally, I have never watched the show, but I did once take a ride to the airport with a Downton cabbie.

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Dear Abbner,

How will I know the new home I’ve just purchased is from a reputable builder?

Should Have Checked First In Fredericton

 

Dear Should Have,

A very good question! And if you’ve already closed the sale, perhaps a bit irrelevant. However, if the builder has won awards, that is often an indication they are reputable and keenly invested in building a quality product for local consumers.

Check inside some of the kitchen cabinets to see if they have maybe left an award or two behind.

Failing that, Google them, but make sure you are sitting down first. You may find this hard to believe, but the Internet is a wildly unpoliced space where participants are often unfairly unkind, or even outright maliciously dishonest in what they say about companies online.

Take postings about your own builder with a grain of salt, unless they are currently on the docket at the public courthouse for recent transgressions. Best of luck on possession day!