Ah, fellow Realtors: You’ve been getting better at catching those typos and errors, so it’s taken me a while to gather enough for another column. But here we go!
I love listings that have a Shakespearean quality to them, like this one I ran into this week: “This home is a mix of old word charm and modern amenities.” It makes me want to add a “Foresooth!” somewhere except I’m not sure I know what it means.
This recent listing appeared to have French old word charm in mind. The property for sale had “old charm but modern touchees.”
Sometimes a sales rep will list a property where the lack of punctuation is what makes me giggle. Like this one with a “freshly painted fenced backyard.” I guess you would market it to those folks who hate cutting grass. Or perhaps you not only like cutting grass, you keep the clippings. In which case, this “washer and stem dryer” are just up your alley.
Then there’s this one: “backyard backs on to green space roof.” I’m trying to imagine what kind of green space needs protection from the rain.
At times it’s not that there’s anything wrong with the wording in a listing, it just strikes me as funny. For example: “This home has undergone a recent sympathetic renovation.”
It brings to mind tradespeople profusely apologizing to the house as they knock down the interior walls or rip up the flooring: “So sorry, forgive me.” Like parents with the old “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” Bam, bam, bam.
Then there was this new listing I saw for a “Freshly pained spacious brick bungalow.” Poor house.
I stumbled on to this one for a home that is “bellowing at the seams with upgrades.” That’s one angry house. See what happens when you don’t have sympathetic renos?
I have a feeling that auto-correct is responsible for some bloopers I ran across like this inadvertent gem that made me laugh out loud: “Please add lot perineum for corner unit.” (For those who don’t have time to Google it, the perineum is just below the anus, not exactly a premium location.)
Then there’s this recent listing, where a missing word or two has narrowed the buyers’ market to disabled time travellers: “This home is wheelchair friendly, in 2008.” If you come across any buyers who needed wheelchair access eight years ago, be sure let them know.
I’ve seen listings where the fact that a home was pet and smoke free was a selling point for those with allergies but this was a new one: “Must see: smoke and pee free.” Now, I know people often go outside to smoke; this makes me wonder where the sellers did their other business. Maybe outside in that green space, which might explain the roof.
I ran into a few listings recently where the salesperson didn’t use quite the right words to convey their sentiments but I knew what they meant. Like this one, where the sales rep seems to have been a bit confused about what exactly a “perq” is: “Main bath also tastefully renovated with heated floors, just another quirk!”
Or this example of creative spelling: “This is a must see for cottage conisuierrues.”
And then there was this one: “The garden is wonderful with perennially gardens.” Once a garden, always a garden, I guess.
My personal favourite? “This home has been Lovingling cared for.” I love that. Or perhaps I should say, I lovingling it.
Finally, I know we tell sellers to decorate with neutral colours but I had to laugh when I saw a new listing that said, “The whole home is fleshly painted.” I don’t even want to know how the tradespeople achieved that, but I hope they were sympathetic.
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
