In the mid 1970s, scientists unthawed a frozen caveman that had been found in the foothills of Alberta.
As the befuddled caveman came to understand the modern language of his new time, the researchers were amazed to discover that he had been a prehistoric real estate agent. A prominent real estate writer talked to him and only now are those meeting notes surfacing:
Q: In 1975, we have a saying about real estate – “location, location, location”. How important was that for prehistoric man?
A: Well, we had always wanted to list caves that were on healthy mastodon migration routes. I mean we may have been hunters and gatherers, but without footwear, the less traveling we had to do for both of those was a great relief. Do you have any idea how hard it is to set up mastodon traps when you have gout?
Q: We’ve had issues with construction quality in some housing projects and that has led to property inspections to protect consumers. How well-built were early homes for your own clients?
A: Well built? Our homes were only as solid as the caves we came upon. Our biggest problem in showing homes was stumbling across a sabre-toothed tiger coming out as we were approaching. That was one sure-fire way to find out who would win a footrace.
Q: Did you have any sort of dress code when you were working in real estate?
A: That depended on how hard the tigers fought back. Sometimes I’d have a pretty sweet loincloth, other times I’d just be happy to come across enough river mud to smear over me for cover. Man, I would have killed to have a pair of those bell-bottom trousers you’re wearing right now!
Q: Modern homes have so many amazing amenities, like running water, electricity and shingles. What would a really tricked-out cave have looked like for you?
A: Again, pretty much just mud or dinosaur blood for cave drawings. It wasn’t until that one night where Bob was losing at poker and he started banging a couple of rocks together in frustration that we accidentally invented fire. That really stepped up our game going forward!
Q: How did your people arrange mortgages?
A: Mortgages?
Q: Lending money for the homes…
A: Well, we did have clubs that sort of sorted things out when we wanted something. The bigger club usually won those arguments, as well as the cave.
Q: What about security? Did you have any sort of effective security systems on your doors and windows?
A: Have you never seen a cave in real life before?
Q: Sorry, I guess it was more of an open air housing concept.
A: It was only as secure as the next hungry sabre-toothed tiger that roamed in while we were sleeping. There are only so many caves out there, after all. How do you think we got new listings?
Q: Well, I’d like to wrap up. What is the one thing about your real estate business that was the most innovative?
A: Before the big freeze, we had started to talk about getting more organized and developing some sort of system to track listings and sales. But once we got that whole fire thing perfected, we got pretty complacent about anything too complicated, what with being so much better fed from cooking our meals. I mean, what would you rather have, a multiple listing system, or a great rack of barbecue ribs?
Q: Well, maybe we better talk further about that concept another time, but you’re right, a rack of ribs sounds great right about now.
A: I’m buying. Hey, who do I have to club around here to get a pair of those bell bottoms?
Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at danstyves.com.
