According to my records, which admittedly are about as reliable as betting on a scratched long shot at the racetrack, my first column for REM appeared in October 2000.
Not much on word count back then, I was somehow able to convince the esteemed editor to take a flyer on this wacky series of short quizzes and commentaries I had started to run in a self-published company newsletter, which inexplicably ran monthly for six years when I was an active Realtor.
I may have amended the columns a bit for my submitted pitch, but this is the one as it was featured in my own newsletter…and ended up in a (hopefully) more polished format as my first REM appearance.
Top 10 closes for indecisive buyers
10) “Should we call your mother for permission?”
9) “Trust me, this is the only home on the market.”
8) “If you buy before midnight tonight, we include patty-stackers!”
7) “Sure, you can think about it, but did you ever see that scene in Pulp Fiction?”
6) “At XYZ Realty we try not to advocate violence, but…..”
5) Honestly Mr. and Mrs. Jones, it isn’t binding…”
4) “If you don’t accept this offer my parole officer will need to talk to you.”
3) “Who said I make money if you buy anything?”
2) “Please decide, the home is sinking rapidly.”
1) “And the nice cosy stuff is asbestos… makes a great pillow.”
Top 10 closes for reluctant listers
10) “As high as five per cent commission? You bet your a** I’ll get showings for you!”
9) “Okay, okay, no lockbox, no sign, no showings on days ending in Y.”
8) “Can I do open houses? As long as I can bring dates…”
7) “Advertising? Oh, yeah, every day. Have you ever heard of network marketing?”
6) “Testimonials? Well, my uncle Herb likes my glazed ham with pineapples.”
5) “Yes, my marketing plan does includes a hope in hell, sir,”
4) “Well, I’ve never done this for anyone else before, but for you folks…”
3) “Experience? Sure, I have a townhouse for sale in Glen Meadows, lowest priced unit in there…”
2) Continuing education?? Well, I drop my kids off at pre-school…”
1) Comparable market analysis? Ha ha ha…seriously folks, what price would get us listed tonight?”
I’ll be the first to admit, that may not have been my finest work. However, given the continued moral support and free hand from editor Jim Adair over the past 19 years, I’ve been able to poke good-natured fun at cold-calling, real estate slogans, advertising, attending conferences, mascots, open houses, technology and many other aspects of the business.
Given that all of the other three columns I had started to write this month had NOT made the cut for submission, I hope you have enjoyed this trip down Memory Lane, and I look forward to starting my 20th year with more original chuckles for your reading pleasure!
Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at danstyves.com.
