I’m sure that when your average songwriter sits down to compose a tune, they hope and pray that against all odds, their resulting efforts will turn out to be incredibly popular, connecting with a broad audience of listeners. They most likely desire that their lyrics will resonate and touch those listeners in that sweet emotional spot – or as Bryan Adams once said in a song, head “straight to the harp”. How heavenly is that?
No matter how gifted a songwriter might be, many well-intended writing efforts ultimately fall victim to some degree of scrutiny during editing afterwards. Lyrics considered most excellent while under the influence of creative euphoria or a variety of experimental medications often become clearly ill-conceived in the cold light of day.
Stinkers, in other words.
Here are just a few examples of some unsuccessful first drafts for a real estate lyric – to the tune of a classic Paul Simon nugget, 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover.
The “Failed Miserably” Rhymes, #17- #35
17) Ya gotta find a new home, Jerome? Let’s find one in Nome!
18) Need a place with a shed, Ted? No problem – I’ve even got one in red!
19) Time to move to Miami, Sammy. Hey, press your luck – no Whammy!
20) Please stop your sobbin’, Bob N! Who could have known the home inspection would call for a complete demolition?
21) It’s not appropriate to sing, King. But your offer was surreal, you got a very good deal!
22) Better wear a toque, Duke. Your igloo’s roof shows it’s not at all waterproof!!
23) Your aquarium should be hipper, Flipper. Maybe with a view of The Big Dipper?
24) Get that for sale sign on the front lawn, Maggie. After the termites, even your roof is looking saggy!
25) Make your way with zeal, Neal! Before you finish your meal, we’ll close this deal!
26) Looks like rain, Shane. Check out my villa – on the plain. In Spain!
27) Drive away in your Primus, Linus. Your new home is in Phoenix, that’ll clear your sinus!
28) This didn’t go so well, Bell. Frankly, this entire deal has gone completely to he…y, we got another offer – Swell!
29) How did you find out about this listing, Mrs. Nation? Wow! It really is all about “location, location, location”.
30) Hey, be more careful in this Open House, Sassafras! Didn’t you see my sign, “Keep Off The Grass”?
31) I’d rather unbeach a whale, than collapse a firm and binding sale 🙁
32) Run away with the bartenda, Brenda. Until you change your address, we’ll mark your mail Return To Senda.
33) Give your offer a whirl, Pearl. The worst they can do is reject it, and sell it to Merle.
34) Today is the closing date, mate! Once we get the keys, it will all be great!
35) Don’t forget your iPod, Ichabod. We’ll wire your garden for sound, under the sod!
Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at danstyves.com.
