Oh those errant, missing letters. They can take the best-intentioned real estate listing and turn it into something completely different.
This London interboard listing popped up in Ottawa a few weeks ago. The listing agent wanted to make sure to comply with the rules, and advised buyers that, “This is a mere potting.”
Well, potted or not, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of another Ottawa listing that indicated the seller was the “Pubic Trustee.” Now there’s a seller you definitely want to have an arm’s length transaction with. Or even further away.
Sometimes the problem with a listing is that the agent doesn’t completely understand the meaning of the word they’ve selected. One recent Ottawa listing for brand-new high-end semis proclaimed that “these units will surely impress any discriminatory buyer.”
Oh man, I hope not. The Ontario Human Rights Code frowns on that kind of thing.
We all know how important the kitchen is; it can make or break a sale. A lot of agents seem to struggle with finding just the right words to describe it.
I came across this recent listing, for example, that described a “massive eating in kitchen.” Hmmm. Is that different from an “eating out” kitchen? Or maybe it’s the kitchen that eats in.
Lorraine Hyslop of Coldwell Banker First Ottawa in Orleans, Ont. describes a listing with the description of a kitchen with “lots of cabinets with three lazy swans,” instead of three lazy Susans. Now, I don’t know about you, but there’s something appealing to me about the idea of having a group of lazy, languid swans in the kitchen. It’s almost Zen.
We all have first-time buyers and sometimes they’re engaged but this listing comes complete with the fiancé: “Spacious dining groom has a 2-sided fireplace from the GREAT room to the dining room!! Rarely seen feature!” I confess, I’ve never seen a “spacious dining groom” but I have a mental image of the betrothed chowing down at his bachelor party.
Another Ottawa listing gave these directions, just in case you wanted to stop on the way there for a bite to eat: “From Carling Avenue, North on Kirkwood, Eat in Iona.”
Rob Ironmonger of Keystone Appraisals in Trail, B.C. has seen quite a few listings where the heating system has been “forest air. ” What a clean fresh smell that mental image triggers! I’ll bet those swans would love it.
Rob has also seen lots of “parkay” flooring referred to in listings. You have to wonder if that wouldn’t make those floors a little slippery and kind of hard to maintain.
Barbara Jacobsen of Re/Max All-Stars in Keswick, Ont., recently came across a listing that referred to “fresh pain everywhere.” I wouldn’t think that was a selling point, unless you were targeting the very specific S & M market. Maybe that’s the unit for that discriminatory buyer.
We still see new technologies as selling points. I saw this listing for a “Lovely e bedroom home on large lot.” Now, I’m not sure whether the bedroom is virtual or the house is, but at least there’s a big lot to imagine them on.
Royal LePage Team Realty’s George Prazmowski came across this Ottawa listing that highlighted its high-tech gizmos too. It had a “double-sided fireplace in the en suite, home automation system and a multi-stage furnace.” Now I know winters here can be pretty cold, but this strikes me as overkill. I think I’d be just as toasty warm and happy in the bathroom with only the fireplace and the music; the furnace seems a bit much.
When it comes to backyards, sales reps are always looking for that special feature that will appeal to buyers. Perennials, pools, storage sheds, mature trees: whatever it is, we emphasize it. But the next two listings really had a target audience.
Jim Campbell of St. John’s found this gem: “This Beauty has Basement Apartment – Shed in rear garden – ideal for mother, or in laws!!” I can think of a few buyers who would find a shed in the backyard to store their mother as a great selling feature. Then again, it could just be a Freudian slip.
And finally, there’s this older listing from Rob Angus, Coldwell Banker Slegg Realty in Victoria: “Lovely home with a huge dick in the rear.” That’s one of those listings where I am quite sure the photographs didn’t do it justice, and thank God for that!
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
