Auto-correct is not always our friend, colleagues, as demonstrated in this new batch of listing bloopers.
For example: “This spacious property was formally a bakery.” Although there is something rather charming about a “formal” bakery, don’t you think? I have visions of tuxedos and cupcakes.
Or this one from Linda Porrit of Century 21 Infinite Realty in Oshawa: “Live in the quaint village of Port Hope with its shops and cages!” I have to say that sounds like something out of an episode of The Walking Dead. Yikes.
There are times when the salesperson is searching for just the right word and comes up with something close but not quite what they intended. As in this listing submitted by Barbara Jacobsen of Re/Max All-Stars Brokerage in Keswick, Ont., which pitches a house with a “coiffeured” ceiling. I suppose it has “well-manicured” grounds too. Ba-da-boom.
Similarly, this new Ottawa listing touts a large dining room “with room for buffet hutch, amour, or showcase your wine collection.” Now an armoire would be nice, but a room big enough for love? I just hope it holds a big dining room table.
This recent listing made me laugh out loud: “Patio fun included!” What a great selling point! Wouldn’t you love to know that your outdoor parties would always be a success?
In this unintentional gem, the “Lovely breakfast room just off the kitchen enjoys the views.” Good to know the kitchen is having a good time even when the owners aren’t home.
Real estate agents are creative folks, often trying to pack as much information as possible into a limited space. Stephen Frazee, a broker with Re/Max Ultimate Realty in Toronto, recently came across a new listing that had this compact word to describe a rental: “Furnitured.” That gives me lots of ideas for listings of my own: “This kitchen is not only ceramic-tiled, it’s totally sinked!”
Speaking of kitchens, those darn typos get us all the time: “For the chef in the family the upgraded kitchen has ample cabinetry accepted with stainless steel hardware.” Nice. I’d hate to see a kitchen that disagreed with the owner’s finishes.
I love a unit that’s big enough to wander through, don’t you? This recent Ottawa listing gives a whole new meaning to a walk-in closet. “A sizable cupboard within the unit in addition to this room & locker on the lower level provides amble storage space.”
I’m sure NASA would enjoy this listing: “Delightful setting backing onto open space park setting.” Or this one with its “contemporary floating open concept.” For some reason, I have visions of Matt Damon or George Clooney in space suits. Which isn’t a bad mental image. Now if I could just get one of them to float into that dining room….
Speaking of people floating around, I ran across this rather spirited listing with photographs that were captioned “The Master Suite from one angel” and “Auxiliary bedroom from another angel.” Lucky agent to have that kind of high level help; some of us have to use photographers.
But in this listing, it was the way that ownership was described that made me laugh: “Approx. owner is paying for the new windows special assessment.”
Now I’ve never heard of an “approximate” owner before, but hey, at least they’re paying. Unlike the washer and dryer that were squatting in this Carleton Place listing: “Main bath is occupied by laundry facilities.” Now those could be hard to move.
Constance McCrae of Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa found two listings that struck her funny bone. She came across this intriguing enticement in another listing: “Move in, sit down and raise your family.” Oh man, don’t you wish you could actually raise your kids from the comfort of a cushy chair?
Then she stumbled across this one for a property in Carp, Ont., which referred to the address as being on “Old Crap Road” in the neighbourhood of “Crap.” It also indicated, however, that there was “no sewer connected,” which might explain the problem. Ouch.
But if you are having a crappy day, the fees in this condo listing may help: “Common Fees $85 Per Month, Covers Now Removal.” There are times I’d pay extra for that, wouldn’t you?
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
