Sure, we take for granted that only humans might be so educated as a species that we’d use a professional Realtor when selling or buying a home – but what if you saw a furry critter carrying a briefcase and feature sheet pulling up to look at a hole in the wall, with a family of his wildlife brethren?
Just me?
Well, humour me then for a moment – this is what I think it might look like if animals used a professional Realtor.
Squirrel with smartphone and lockbox key: “Well, Mr. and Mrs. Tree Rodent, as you can see, this particular tree burrow is MUCH larger than the one we just viewed! What you can’t readily see from outside is that there is a deep crevice underneath the main level that allows for considerable winter storage. The opening is large enough for you and your family to come and go, but prevents larger birds of prey from snatching you in your sleep. The sound protection is quite good, considering the dense nature of the tree wood. And, you have a wide range of electrical and telephone wiring right out your front door branch, so you can scamper along to and fro all day long! Frankly, I think you’d be NUTS not to make an offer right now!”
Balding middle-aged rabbit with spectacles: “Look here Mr. Bunny: Just what you wanted in a warren! Sure, as a single rabbit, you probably just wanted a burrow, but you know how we rabbits are, eh? Nudge Nudge Wink Wink! You’ll fill all the other burrows in this warren in no time, a good-looking fella like yourself! And check out the garden right over there! I hear the humans in the house there don’t own a shotgun, so you can graze away to your heart’s content. Now, we just need to discuss the down payment…you mentioned something about 24 karats?”
A harried-looking bear with a visible sense of fidgety urgency: “Mrs. Bruin, we’ve looked at so many dens today I can’t even keep them straight, and frankly, I really need to go take a stroll in the woods over there. Now look, you need to start thinking hibernation sooner rather than later, so let me run down the features of this particular den – plenty of nuts and berries to fatten you up for…uhh, sorry, PREPARE you for hibernation…oh…oh dear…Mrs. Bruin, please put down that heavy branch.”
An oriole landing on a branch with a couple of robins: “Will you LOOK at that birdbath over there! Magnificent! Why, from this nest you can dive over for a dip, hop down and grab a worm from the garden and be back up here feeding the kiddies in no time! Over there on that pole there’s a feeder – they’re literally GIVING AWAY food just to have you guys live here! What’s that? The magpies on the upper branch? With the tattoos and facial piercings? Well, maybe we should keep looking.”
That could be how things work for other “homeowners” – it’s not like we see these critters before they move in around us, after all!
Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at danstyves.com.
