Well, colleagues, we’re in the busy spring season, which means we’re all rushing around like crazy. The upside of busy-time, of course, is more bloopers for me.
I laughed when I saw this new listing that features “bathroom efficient toilets”. Better that they be efficient in the bathroom than somewhere else, I guess.
I do find that sometimes sales reps struggle a bit to describe efficiency. For example in this listing, the agent focussed on the “prime location – featuring quick highway”. I have mental images of a highway darting in and out of trees.
This house should really have been listed under retail as well as well as residential: “Back store can be sticky, push hard to open.” Usually hanging a “We’re Open” sign on the front door works pretty well too.
Or how about this listing featuring a “new hot water tan”? Hmm. I like the idea of an early tan, but I’m a bit worried about the possibility of burns.
I came across this listing today for a basement with a “bathroom rouging”. Now there’s a house that’s really getting itself made up for the buying season.
Usually I see listings that mention there’s hardwood under the carpets, but not this one: “Hardwood flooring on main carpets in the bedrooms and lower level.” I’m not quite sure that a carpet subfloor is much of a selling feature but at least there won’t be any squeaks.
When it comes to selling features, here’s one listing description I absolutely adore: “Fully landscaped property with entertaining deck.” I would love to have an entertaining deck, wouldn’t you? It would sure take the pressure off during all those family barbecues over the summer.
If you don’t have a big family, or perhaps you’re feeling lonely, this listing promises to provide a little company: “Unfinished area has lots of storage selves.” I’d almost be afraid to open the closets, though, on those days when you just want to be alone.
Sometimes it’s not a blooper so much as the choice of words that slays me. Like this one: “There is an expired in-ground pool on the property.” I am reminded of that famous Monty Python skit about the dead parrot. You know the one: “She’s not dead, she’s resting.” I can see the agent conversation with the buyer now. “Does this pool work?” “Well, the listing says it’s expired. But really it’s just pining for the fjords.”
No pining in this laid back listing: “Hand Carved Stoned home on an oversized treed lot.” Right up there with the stoned patio I came across in more than a few listings. But at least that’s relaxing.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, for those who want more activity, I ran across this listing with an “outdoor ice rink, wadding pool and playground.”
But if you don’t have any kind of pool to relax in, not to worry! This new listing says you can “Enjoy your morning coffee under the charming front porch.” Although I can’t imagine how you’d get very comfortable, either crouched down or lying on your back – you might need a bendable straw and even then, it could get a little messy. Lucky you if you have a wadding pool with enough cotton batting to clean yourself off with.
Personally, I’d forget the charming porch altogether, knowing there’s a house for sale with “custom cabinetry in the stud room.” That sounds like a man cave for everyone! God knows, I want one. (Maybe that’s why the bathroom is getting rouged.)
Perhaps my favourite blooper this month, however, was this one: “Please park on the side of the building.” Now that’s a feat worthy of Spiderman. I’ll bet he’d enjoy a coffee under the porch.
Diana Budway, sales representative with Re/Max Realty Enterprises in Mississauga, Ont., passed along two listing bloopers that caught her eye.
The first was for an upscale modern condominium and urged agents to “bring your fuzziest clients.” Watch out for stairs.
Diana’s second blooper is one I run across in Ottawa all the time: listings that refer to Prince of Whales Drive instead of Prince of Wales. (I’m starting to think it might just be easier to get Prince Charles to change his title than point out that currently there is no prince of cetaceous creatures, but he’d probably think I was full of beluga.)
A home with its very own mail room, as opposed to stud room, sounds interesting: “Laundry on the mail level.”
And finally, there’s this unintentional gem that has me thinking of Anthony Hopkins in his role as Hannibal Lecter: “Fairly new Muskoka cabinets make this eat-in kitchen a pleasure to cook and raise a family in.”
I think I’ll pass on dropping by for dinner; no fava beans for me.
I’ll be outside being entertained by my deck.
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
