Sometimes the typos in a sales rep’s listing read like they’re written in dialect. For example, in my last novel, Umbrella Man, one of my main characters is a charming, flirtatious Russian intelligence officer named Slava, who speaks English well but with a heavy Russian accent. I thought of him when I read this listing: “Mack up an offer and upgraded this large unit.”
On the other hand, there’s this one, which has gone a little abbreviation-mad and made me think of the Swedish chef on The Muppets: “Play gronds, Schols, Shopng cntr.”
You wouldn’t be bored with this listing: “Open concept living/dining room layout with large widows.” Slava would love that feature. He might even “mack an offer.”
Sometimes salespeople know what they want to say, but aren’t completely sure of the right word. So they make one up! As in this recent example: “This property is located in an area over going lots of change.”
Other times they will substitute a word that they think means the same thing as the one they wanted. Like this one for example, where “connoisseur” (which is what I think the sales rep intended) has taken on an entirely different meaning: “A stunning home perfect for a purveyor of fine things.” I suppose if you appreciate fine things, you might enjoy selling them too, but that’s a very narrow market.
One of my favourite bloopers of all time is this one that I ran across for a rental unit last week, posted by the landlord/owner on Kijiji: “Hard floor threw out the unit.”
Usually it’s the landlord who evicts a tenant, not the flooring. I certainly hope we can blame auto-correct, or we’re all seriously doomed. (I can see the series already: The Walking Plank.)
Speaking of hardwood, it’s usually a selling point but surely not in this case? “Hardwood replaced in 2012 Furnace.” I suppose laminate wouldn’t hold up as well.
Then there’s this one: “This rear yard oasis has unground sprinkler.” Hmm. Not sure how that works. Hanging from a tree perhaps?
This typo in a new listing made me spit out my coffee: “specious two story single house.” Maybe it’s not really two floors. Or not really detached. We could probably argue about it.
Catharine Inniss, a salesperson with Royal LePage Lakes of Muskoka, came across a listing in her area that featured “bored and baton” siding. I keep thinking of someone highstepping in a local parade, stifling a yawn as they idly swing the baton around their head in slow circles.
I came across this unusual entry on an MLX listing a few days ago: Under “Possession,” instead of putting 60-90 days or “TBD” or “Negotiable” or “Immediate”, the listing agent had written: “On clocing.”
Now, since possession usually takes place on closing, that made me smile, but honestly, it was the typo –“clocing” – that put a whole different spin on it. It’s like something out of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: When are we closing? I cloc the fullness.
There is an LRT being constructed in Ottawa right now so this listing blooper made perfect sense: “Close to all amenities, school, hospital, collage, transit way, shopping mall, future light train!” I love the idea of a light train, but then, you wouldn’t want a heavy one in an area overgoing so much change.
Speaking of heaviness, I ran into this unintentional gem that described a listed property as being “bran new.” I can see all kinds of ways to market that one: “Worry-free maintenance – everything runs smoothly!
You might feel a little stuffed up, on the other hand, if you took this new listing literally: “Close to delicious restaurants and trendy shops.” Yum! I love a good, tasty restaurant almost as much as I love their food.
One of my favourite listing bloopers is this one, which was written in all-caps: “PAINTED PEAKS AND SLATS, CALIFORNIA SHUDDERS.” Now, I know California is an earthquake zone, but I’m not sure that’s much of a selling point.
On the other hand, I have a feeling this new listing would do well in California, given the relaxed outdoor vibe: “Open concept living room and dining room with beautiful woodburning fireplace and patio doors that lead to stoned patio.”
Holy crap, I thought, even the patio is stoned! But when it comes to worry-free maintenance, that’s got to be almost as good as bran.
Peggy Blair is a sales representative with Royal LePage Team Realty in Ottawa. A former lawyer, she is the award-winning author of the Inspector Ramirez series published by Penguin Canada and Simon and Schuster Canada as well as internationally. Her most recent book, Umbrella Man, is now in bookstores.
