Delayed best intentions for a new year, as you are already well into it…
Day One – Feb 2. (Certainly can’t start a new fitness regimen Feb. 1, can you?)
Curse these endless, too-cold-to-leave-the-house Canadian winters! Once again, my pants have shrunk, after one too many snow-packed months trapped indoors. It is clearly time to regain the slender, athletic body of my youth. It is time to become fit, once again…even if I am waaay late with my New Year’s resolution…
First step – Investigate proven, legitimate, rational weight loss and fitness programs.
Day Two – Feb 3. Wow! Last night I couldn’t sleep, seeing as how I was SO stoked about getting fit again. Well, lo and behold, I’m surfing the late-night TV offerings and what do I see? “Explode your fat!” “Melt your inches!” “A fitter, trimmer you – in just six days!”
Can you believe my good fortune?? And here I thought I’d have to take at least two weeks to get back into my high school football uniform! Good thing I have my credit card number memorized. I ordered that program as fast as they could scroll the number across the screen.
Day Three – Feb 7. Got a little impatient waiting for my TV miracle diet to arrive, so I thought I might pick up a few healthy groceries, to complement whatever else this diet system will entail.
- Baby carrots – a perfect substitute for the larger, more cumbersome full-grown carrots, with all their rugged peels and whatnot to deal with, before you can even begin to eat one.
- Mixed baby green salad – again, smaller and ready to go right out of the package. With enough 1000 Island dressing, this salad stuff ain’t half-bad.
- One extra-large bag of potato chips. What, aren’t potatoes vegetables?
Day Four – Feb 8. Took a nice, leisurely walk today. Well, sort-of unintentionally. I must remember to get that busted gas gauge on the old Buick repaired.
However, the walk was invigorating, especially after that entirely unexpected late-winter rain began to fall. I’m pretty sure I was able to get my heart rate up to a satisfactory cardio workout level, once the even-less-expected lightning seemed to be hitting somewhat closer than I was comfortable with.
Day Five – March 12. Still no diet plan in the mailbox. So much for “rush shipping”. Getting a bit bored of those baby carrots – I should’ve picked up a couple of other vegetables, to add some spice and variety. Hey, now wait a minute there! If I dunk these things in my chip dip…
Day Six – March 15. I was pretty sure I still had my old weightlifting set somewhere down in the basement. I know my wife had talked about donating some stuff – maybe I should have put masking tape on items I wanted to keep.
Day Seven – March 23. The package I ordered from the TV infomercial arrived this morning! I tore it open and inside I found a skipping rope and a bottle of compressed cabbage pills. The instructions advised me to boil a pot of water, drop in a cabbage pill, and consume the soup. Once I felt it was strong enough. After the pot of soup, I am to skip rope for 45 minutes.
I have a feeling I will indeed be losing some weight, and that I’ll also be able to catch up on my reading, in one of the smaller rooms in our home.
Day Eight – March 24. You know, all the experts suggest that becoming fit is really more of a lifestyle change, not just following some ludicrous fad diet product. I think that if I just cut back on a few bad food choices and go for a bit of a walk once in awhile, I’ll be looking like Hugh Jackman again in no time.
If your vision is blurry.
Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at danstyves.com.
