I am pleased to humbly announce that I have discovered the centre of the universe. My discovery does not follow years of research nor is it the result of studying lengthy charts with a team of engineers from the most prestigious universities in the world.

I came to this astounding information after thinking about it one afternoon this winter while I was waiting for my tea to steep. It is so simple that I understand why scientists have not come upon it themselves. My formula is irrefutable and I cannot imagine it being challenged. I know everyone will agree with the logic of my thinking. Please pay attention and follow along:

It is obvious that our galaxy, the Milky Way, is at the middle of the universe. All you have to do is look out at the stars at night to see that. Our solar system is in the middle of the galaxy and right in the middle of our solar system, discounting the gas planets, is our own beautiful planet, earth. Taking things further along, it is understood by everyone that the best country and therefore the centre of the entire world is Canada. It is all obvious from here on but to take it further, the one place that is at the centre of Canada for culture, music, art, business, languages spoken, transportation, real estate and anything else you can name is, of course, the City of Toronto.

I know I don’t have to explain this further but I will write it out just to have it all on record. The accepted middle of the City of Toronto is downtown near the lake. That would be exactly at the foot of Bathurst Street.

Out of amazing coincidence, I live at the foot of Bathurst Street in Toronto. So I guess I can officially declare that I am writing to you today from the centre of the universe. It’s an honour to be here.

As ridiculous as all the above may seem, I know there are people who think the residents of Toronto believe that nonsense. I would like to dispel that suggestion and tell you honestly that in all my years as a resident of Toronto, I have never met anyone in this town that believes this city is the centre of the universe, much less Canada, like everyone claims they do.

I have traveled this country from coast to coast. I have met wonderful souls in every village and town that I have come upon. Everything you have heard about the people in Atlantic Canada is true – everybody out there is my darlin’ or my son, my son to all and sundry. I can tell you that almost every woman in Edmonton is as endearing as Diamond Lil herself and every man is a jolly Canuck – not to be confused with the hockey fans in Vancouver, who are polite to the point of their own endearment, which brings to mind the stylish girls in Montreal, the cowboys in Calgary, the old salts in Halifax and the uptight yet indefatigable politicos in Ottawa. Have I missed anyone? Other than my old pal Terry up in the Sault? Everywhere and anywhere you go in Canada, all are family to all in the house.

Everyone in our country is famously pleasant, polite and has their own unique, local charm. Yet there is this nagging resentment of the poor folks in Toronto by people everywhere else. On either coast and in between I get the same answer every time I am asked where I am from. “Toronto,” I say and they say back; “Oh, we’ll overlook that.”

Poor Toronto. It gets picked on, verbally abused, sneered at and in all manner abused as the ash can of Canadiana. It is known for nothing and it is disliked because it has everything. Art galleries, museums, universities, every kind of music you can name, history, stunning architecture and haute couture, joie de vivre and à la carte. It has night life that lasts until morning, avant-garde streetscapes and restaurants of every type that you can name. It has professional sports teams like the Maple Laughs that everyone disparages. 

For as wonderful as everyone in this fair land is, can I ask you all to cut this city some slack? Come and visit Toronto. Join the great unwashed and mingle with the crowd. Take in a ball game, grab a hot dog and a beer and give us a break.

Heino Molls is the publisher of REM. Email [email protected].