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Dan St. Yves: Holiday listings

It’s that time of year again, wherein I’m kept so busy repairing the Christmas decorations that my cat has batted off of every impossible-to-reach space on my walls and shelves, that I need to get creative here in this column space. As in impromptu and hasty versus planned and meticulously crafted.

So, why not a list of unique “holiday properties” that need to be sold before the new year?

For Sale: North Pole, Sleigh Runway

Great commercial property, just minutes away from the scenic, world-famous North Pole. Runway features a vast expanse of frozen wasteland, perfect for a team of reindeer to gallop towards liftoff. Would trade for paved stretch of similar runway anywhere in Florida.

For Sale: Undisclosed Mountain Area, Alberta, Canada

After decades of requiring a healthy supply of coal lumps for naughty children’s stockings, the current state of global warming and climate change is forcing our enterprise to shift to lumps of kitty litter. While admittedly a tad gross, it does compost nicely, and offers far less impact on our planet. Note: access of any kind may be about to be restricted, but this would sure make a nice holding property, even if as an owner you will never be allowed to mine or harvest. After all, they ain’t making land anymore, am I right?

For Sale: Christmas Tree Farm

Various locations across Canada. While we are willing to sell any of our assorted Christmas tree farms around the country, we are most anxious to sell the properties in areas of high pine beetle invasion. Take advantage of our seasonal sale in those particular areas. Literally, all trees are half off.

For Sale: Velvet Clothing Factory, Ontario

Rare opportunity to revive a fashion trend virtually exclusively relegated to Santa and his helpers. After years of freezing their tushes off in skimpy velvet Christmas costumes, Santa and his elves have switched to a hardier combination of long underwear and red-and-green denim holiday wear. Hey, bursitis isn’t fun at the best of times, but why make it worse with flimsy clothing?

For Sale: Elderly Reindeer Compound, North Pole

After a century or more (who can keep track?) of harnessing and employing reindeer one night of the year, some of the more elderly ones are enjoying the twilight years of their lives in a grazing field not far from our toy factory. These gentle creatures are terribly expensive to maintain and can still bring a smile to children’s faces if you bring them into a local Canadian Tire parking lot at this time of year. That said, if they do get out of line, we are including our family venison recipe.

For Sale: Shelf

Former residence of Elf. Family eventually became uncomfortable with the Elf on the Shelf. Especially when he just kept smiling creepily and kept playing that old Rockwell hit, Somebody’s Watching Me. Could be used for books, statuettes or a lovely vase. Or, coincidentally, an elf urn.

For Sale: Glitter Factory

Price recently reduced for fast sale. There are literally thousands of options to employ the output of this charming glitter factory. Add to outside of greeting cards, add to inside of greeting cards and wrapping paper. Add it to posters and photos, frames and boxes! We’ve even recently created edible sparkle you can add to your holiday turkey! Top your mashed potatoes! Bedazzle your corn and peas! Enjoy glittery glitter in every corner of your home, the possibilities are endless! Note: Shares in vacuum companies not included.